I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
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All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.