You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
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You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
“How’s your day going?”
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!