*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
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Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
God, I love Scotland
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under