People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
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TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
early stone age tool
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.