Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
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god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Customer is always right
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.