I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
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For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?