Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
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My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?