Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
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Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep