It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
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When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣