Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
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British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure