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[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.