ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
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*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
happy mother’s day❤️
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending