Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
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i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.