“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
You Might Also Like
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
FRED: right
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
This a good idea
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?