That’s what I call a flat tire
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When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Guys, I found it.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*