you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
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Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Are we there yet?…
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.