If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
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i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.