I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
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Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people