My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
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*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
somebody come look at this
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.