Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
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when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”