Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
You Might Also Like
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Truth
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?