[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
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Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.