[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
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Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people