My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
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Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
A French press is when you hug naked
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
fr
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.