A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
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While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.