Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
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[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
A game married people play.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you