At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
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Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
How times have changed.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”