YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
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[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.