the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
You Might Also Like
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
[shakes fist at other fist]
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me