Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
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[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.