Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
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Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
oppen heimer style lol
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
broke down and did it
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.