Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
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*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Ok who’s got my black socks?
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Driving in Europe vs Canada