After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
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Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Yes, but it was never about money
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.