As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
You Might Also Like
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn鈥檛 stop worrying about it. I don鈥檛 know how pirates do it.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it鈥檚 called an ice cube
I don鈥檛 understand why you鈥檙e all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone鈥檚 life support. That鈥檚 the real American dream.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
SHE SAID YES!! 馃槏馃槏馃槏馃拲馃拲馃拲 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Move over, pizza rat. 馃崟 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I鈥檓 innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you鈥檙e sooooo going to get fired.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second