Stop it! 😂
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My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
These work great until they don’t.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.