Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
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I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice