Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
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Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.