911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
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My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I need to get some bricks…
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir