I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
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I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.