[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
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My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.