Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I put the hot in psychotic.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
*seductively corrects your posture*
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it