Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
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friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Important reminders
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”