Your honor these allegations are
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CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Safety first
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Bootstraps
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields