The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
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Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.