All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
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When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Air pods looking like an angry frog
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.