Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
You Might Also Like
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*