Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
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How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.