I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
You Might Also Like
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.