I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
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Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.