Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
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I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
They also CAN sing✌️
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face