every raccoon you see is currently on parole
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I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day